Oh, Canada

You might think this is a weird time for me to be coming at you, given the dumpster fire that is Congress right now. I know, Paul Ryan would rather watch a 76-year-old civil rights leader sit on the floor for hours than pull his head out of his own ass, and I’m going to harp on you about this? Well, yeah, I am. Because I’ve come to expect better from you, Canada.

You gave us Ryan Reynolds, who, besides being an absolute stud and awesome person, gave us Deadpool. Your dreamboat of a prime minister is unapologetically, fantastically progressive, whether it’s been about equal pay or refugees or native land rights. You have that whole healthcare thing just about sorted. You’ve got some lovely places, even if you weren’t always my first thought when it came to vacation. You made those funny ads about Americans being welcome if Trump wins the election, which honestly made me feel a little bit better.

Until I remembered that I’m not welcome, because I have a pit bull. Two pit bulls.

Now, I know you don’t have a country-wide breed ban, but with more and more of your major cities jumping on the shame-train to Discrimination Station, I don’t think I’d feel safe anywhere. Right now, thousands of your own citizens don’t feel safe, and it’s not the people you’re thinking of. It’s the people with the dogs of almost any size, any color, any ear set, any temperament that somebody thinks looks like a certain type. If you think I’m being vaguer than you are, well, think again, because you don’t know what a pit bull looks like.

Even if you did know what a pit bull looked like, it wouldn’t matter. Just ask Ontario.


Okay, Ontario is being a little shy about the truth right now, so I’ll mention it briefly. The breed ban hasn’t worked. Dog bite numbers have gone up. And it is effing expensive to enforce.

It’s hard to shock me, but I’ve been pretty surprised with how pig-headed, un-Canadian, and frankly, dickish some of your politicians have been about the whole thing. They are talking about your people and your dogs like they are already criminals. I thought ignoring facts in favor of scapegoating and making ineffective policies was our thing, America’s thing. What happened, Canada? Did you catch Mitch McConnell Disease? Were you tired of being known as the nice country and decided to spice things up a little? Did you just want a little attention in the midst of sit-ins for gun control and the EU referendum?

I’m disappointed in you, Canada. For all the practice you’ve had saying “sorry,” I haven’t heard an apology to your perfectly respectable, responsible pit bull owners, and you owe them one. Your politicians owe your citizens more than a reactionary garbage law that clearly doesn’t work. You owe your people education and your dogs protection, and instead you’ve taken a leaf out of America’s book and decided to peddle fear.

So much for moving to Canada.


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